The Liar’s Dictionary first appeared in Emergency Horse magazine 100 years ago!
With a tip of the hat to Ambrose Bierce.
Afterlife
Procrastination’s imaginary friend.
Allusion
Acknowledged plagiarism.
Alternative
Contradictory, contrary, opposite.
Archaic: a choice or possibility, as in reality or not.
American
One who pretends that excrement does not exist and then spends an entire evening watching it on television.
American Dream
Trivial pursuit.
Artist
One who talks about doing art.
Astrology
The belief that although weather patterns cannot be predicted a week ahead, emotional states of humans as influenced by the stars, can.
Baptism
A ceremonial washing of the brain.
Bible A book that documents, in detail, our virtue and our enemy’s vice.
Bigly
An American horror film about a petulant toddler who is mysteriously granted a wish by an arcade fortune telling machine called Putin Speaks and wakes up in the body of a 70 year-old orange businessman.
Christianity
The name of a large religious cult composed mostly of the enemies of Christ, named so as to discredit him and cast his deeds into oblivion.
Christmas
The day on which the capitalists celebrate the birth of their savior, Santa Claus.
Citizen
A flag-hugger when he is at home watching television. A patriot with his mouth shut.
Classy
Gaudy and inarticulate but rich.
Compliment
Acknowledgement of another’s likeness to oneself.
Democracy
Government by the wealthy.
Dumb
One who cannot speak. Also one who shouldn’t.
Eccentric
A nut who has money.
Fair
Getting more than your sibling got.
Feel good
A type of book or film that causes one to feel nauseated.
Folk Music
A type of music, often acoustic, which extolls the sensitivity of the singer.
Free
That which accompanies a purchased item.
God-fearing man
He who is afraid of what his neighbors will think.
God-given Talent
An ability which the creator of the universe has favored an athlete with so that he might buy swimming pool, drugs, and hookers.
Immaculate Conception
A conception without mess or pleasure, thus considered by Christians to be optimum.
Job
A character in the Old Testament whom Jehovah made miserable simply because he could.
The word now means source of employment with the employer taking on the role of Jehovah.
Lie
The truth told by democrats as reported by republicans (and vice verse).
Life-style
That which one affects in absence of having a life.
Lite
A term used on products to attract those who like to indulge and yet still be self-righteous.
Miracle
A “recorded” event in which the laws of the physical universe are repealed temporarily.
Most
Almost.
Musical
Opera for Americans.
Muzak
A collection of sounds used by business owners to express politely their contempt for mankind.
Nonsense
Any opinion differing from your own, reasonable or otherwise.
Orange
Black.
Overtime
Time spent working over that which was allotted, for which the government is paid.
Peace
The maintenance of the status quo.
Performance Art
Any performance in which the art has been removed indelicately.
Personalize
An activity similar to branding, differing only in that a brand is used to mark a valuable possession.
Pessimists
What idealists who call themselves optimists call realists.
Pussywhipped
Being overly susceptible to your cat’s atrocious needs.
Religion
Mythology with good propaganda.
Sex
To atheist heathens, one of the exemplar ways humans show love and affection for one another.
To the religious, how human reproduction is accomplished.
Sinner
He who is acting as you would act had you the gumption.
Small Talk
An activity that allows those who have nothing worth saying to say it.
Spanking
The sound of one hand clapping. See Zen.
Tourism
An activity that allows Americans to watch television in different parts of the world.
Travel
Tourism’s embarrassed father.
Valentine’s Day
The designated day for romance invented by florists and gift card manufacturers to relieve people of their money one day of the year and their responsibility of romance the other 364.
Vanity Plate
A metal automobile identification handcrafted by criminals for idiots.
White Supremacist
A caucasian who, having discovered in himself no redeemable qualities, makes one of his skin color.
Zen
