The Liar’s Dictionary first appeared in Emergency Horse magazine 100 years ago!
With a tip of the hat to Ambrose Bierce.
Procrastination’s imaginary friend.
Contradictory, contrary, opposite.
Archaic: a choice or possibility, as in reality or not.
One who pretends that excrement does not exist and then spends an entire evening watching it on television.
One who talks about doing art.
The belief that although weather patterns cannot be predicted a week ahead, emotional states of humans as influenced by the stars, can.
A ceremonial washing of the brain.
Bible A book that documents, in detail, our virtue and our enemy’s vice.
An American horror film about a petulant toddler who is mysteriously granted a wish by an arcade fortune telling machine called Putin Speaks and wakes up in the body of a 70 year-old orange businessman.
The name of a large religious cult composed mostly of the enemies of Christ, named so as to discredit him and cast his deeds into oblivion.
The day on which the capitalists celebrate the birth of their savior, Santa Claus.
A flag-hugger when he is at home watching television. A patriot with his mouth shut.
Gaudy and inarticulate but rich.
Acknowledgement of another’s likeness to oneself.
Government by the wealthy.
One who cannot speak. Also one who shouldn’t.
A nut who has money.
Getting more than your sibling got.
A type of book or film that causes one to feel nauseated.
A type of music, often acoustic, which extolls the sensitivity of the singer.
That which accompanies a purchased item.
He who is afraid of what his neighbors will think.
An ability which the creator of the universe has favored an athlete with so that he might buy swimming pool, drugs, and hookers.
A conception without mess or pleasure, thus considered by Christians to be optimum.
A character in the Old Testament whom Jehovah made miserable simply because he could.
The word now means source of employment with the employer taking on the role of Jehovah.
The truth told by democrats as reported by republicans (and vice verse).
That which one affects in absence of having a life.
A term used on products to attract those who like to indulge and yet still be self-righteous.
A “recorded” event in which the laws of the physical universe are repealed temporarily.
Opera for Americans.
A collection of sounds used by business owners to express politely their contempt for mankind.
Any opinion differing from your own, reasonable or otherwise.
Time spent working over that which was allotted, for which the government is paid.
The maintenance of the status quo.
Any performance in which the art has been removed indelicately.
An activity similar to branding, differing only in that a brand is used to mark a valuable possession.
What idealists who call themselves optimists call realists.
Being overly susceptible to your cat’s atrocious needs.
Mythology with good propaganda.
To atheist heathens, one of the exemplar ways humans show love and affection for one another.
To the religious, how human reproduction is accomplished.
He who is acting as you would act had you the gumption.
An activity that allows those who have nothing worth saying to say it.
The sound of one hand clapping. See Zen.
An activity that allows Americans to watch television in different parts of the world.
Tourism’s embarrassed father.
The designated day for romance invented by florists and gift card manufacturers to relieve people of their money one day of the year and their responsibility of romance the other 364.
A metal automobile identification handcrafted by criminals for idiots.
A caucasian who, having discovered in himself no redeemable qualities, makes one of his skin color.