Our Father who is big in Heaven. Very big. And on Earth too, by the way. Let me set the record straight on that. You’re huge. Very powerful. Even I’m impressed. And that’s not easy to do. Believe me.

First off, Lord, please keep the Democrats scared of Mike Pence. He is totally protecting me in the lineup. I’m telling you. Great choice. Truly. Am I good or what?

Listen Lord, about Stormy. CAN YOU PROMISE MICHAEL COHEN SOME VIRGINS IN THE AFTERLIFE to keep it zipped. Really helpful. You don’t even have to deliver. I don’t care. Totally your call.

Hey, and maybe you zap Melania with one of those amnesia ray-guns from the Incredibles. She is totally upset. I can’t even let her out anymore. And make her Ivanka’s age again, while you’re at it. That would be awesome. I mean, how old was Mary when you moved on her? She must’ve been something. Am I right? She wasn’t chosen at random. You could choose anyone. I bet she had a tremendous figure. We know what we like!

And Stormy’s “attorney.” WHAT A LOSER! Can you make him poop his pants on TV or something? OMG! I would watch that a hundred times in a row. Best TV ever!

Lord, have I mentioned how totally impressed I am by your power? Very impressed. Honestly. I’m wondering if you could twitch your nose, and find something on Mueller. Or make something up. The better television it is, the better, right? Just slip it under the door at Fox. Perfect. Remember, can’t be traced to me. Goes without saying, right? Capisce?

Oh GREAT LORD, who appreciates days of rest, don’t you think Puerto Rico would be a beautiful spot for golf? Spectacular weather. You know, between you and me, all we need is for people to quiet down a while. Until prices drop. Then we’ll go with the golf courses and the hotels and casinos—and there’d totally be a church in it for you. A GREAT BIG GIGANTIC GOLDEN CATHEDRAL! Lights. Velvet. Golden everything. Like the Wizard of Oz. We would put those old decrepit European Cathedrals to shame! It’d be the TRUMP TOWER OF TEMPLES! People would eat it up. OMG! Listen, you whipped up Maria, right? You did that. This could be all part of the plan. Your plan. You could totally take credit for it. I’m fine with that. We just need to play it down for a while. Death count below 100. That kind of thing. It’s in our best interests. Believe me.

Lord, I keep hearing about Colluding with Russia, that robots swung the election, that that I got extra rides on Putin’s special pony. Look, nobody’s tougher on Russian than me. Nobody peed until I said, “Pee!” Not a single one of them. And they sure wanted to. I made them drink like gallons of Grape Gatorade, literally gallons. They were squirming all over the place. They were grabbing their own pussies! Russians with brazilians!

Then, I finally said, “Okay, now you may pee!” OMG! SUCH TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF PEE. Waterfalls of pee. Reminded me of my honeymoons.

“Wait,” I commanded. “Okay, now you may pee!” OMG! DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T WATCH THAT! God that was good. Simply stupendous. If I were in your shoes, I know how I’d be spending my days. Who needs internet porn when you can watch anyone at anytime with whoever you want! I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH ME WITH LADY DI!

Lord, you blessed our great country with tremendously immense riches. You’re really terrific. The BEST! We totally appreciate being your favorite country. We really do. You know that.  I know you do. But I have a favor to ask. It’s in your best interests too. Believe me.

Okay, here it is:

WE NEED TO MAKE JESUS MORE WHITE!

Now just listen for a second. Hear me out. So much could be done with a whiter Jesus. He needs a goddamn haircut! And the beard. Honestly. What’s up with the hippie stuff? I don’t get it.

IS HE LIKE A TEENAGER OR SOMETHING? Smoking dope with his Mexican buddies? Kneeling down with Colin Kaepernick? Come on!

CAN YOU PLEASE GET JESUS UNDER CONTROL????!!!

Can he lose the beard? Come on. You know who has beards? Muslims! At least trim it. Like Ryan Gosling or Tony Stark or something? AND A SUIT! Like a blue suit and a red tie. He’d look tremendous. Very biblical. Commanding.

Oh, I just thought of this. This is a great idea. You will love this idea.
THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!!!

What if JESUS WAS RICH?

You could do that? Right? All powerful. That’s what I heard anyway. I’m just repeating what I’ve heard. I heard you could do it if you wanted to. Think how huge that would be.

HE COULD RIDE HIS CAMEL THROUGH THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE!!
ON TELEVISION!!!  Just the advertising alone!

Then, then, he’d welcome every Republican billionaire into the GOLDEN TRUMP CATHEDRAL and PRONOUNCE THEM SAVED!!! You’d convert them like crazy.

WE’D WIN LIKE NOBODY’S EVER WON BEFORE.
We would totally rake it in. Absolute totality.

Lord, to sum up:

• Keep Pence scary
• Promise Michael Cohen some virgins
• Zap Melania with amnesia ray
• Destroy Mueller
• Ignore Puerto Rico until it’s time to buy
• Make me look tough on Russia
• Cut Jesus’ hair and beard
• Put him in a suit
• Make him rich, like the richest ever
• Have him ride a camel on TV, and save the rich

WE WOULD HAVE IT MADE. Okay, thank you for your time. I’m busy. I’m sure you are too. Thanks a trillion!

Amen.