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Our Father who is big in Heaven. Very big. And on Earth too, by the way. Let me set the record straight on that. You’re huge. Very powerful. Even I’m impressed. And that’s not easy to do. Believe me.

First off, Lord, please keep the Democrats scared of Mike Pence. He is totally protecting me in the lineup. I’m telling you. Great choice. Truly. Am I good or what?

Listen Lord, about Stormy. CAN YOU PROMISE MICHAEL COHEN SOME VIRGINS IN THE AFTERLIFE to keep it zipped. Really helpful. You don’t even have to deliver. I don’t care. Totally your call.

Hey, and maybe you zap Melania with one of those amnesia ray-guns from the Incredibles. She is totally upset. I can’t even let her out anymore. And make her Ivanka’s age again, while you’re at it. That would be awesome. I mean, how old was Mary when you moved on her? She must’ve been something. Am I right? She wasn’t chosen at random. You could choose anyone. I bet she had a tremendous figure. We know what we like!

And Stormy’s “attorney.” WHAT A LOSER! Can you make him poop his pants on TV or something? OMG! I would watch that a hundred times in a row. Best TV ever!

Lord, have I mentioned how totally impressed I am by your power? Very impressed. Honestly. I’m wondering if you could twitch your nose, and find something on Mueller. Or make something up. The better television it is, the better, right? Just slip it under the door at Fox. Perfect. Remember, can’t be traced to me. Goes without saying, right? Capisce?

Oh GREAT LORD, who appreciates days of rest, don’t you think Puerto Rico would be a beautiful spot for golf? Spectacular weather. You know, between you and me, all we need is for people to quiet down a while. Until prices drop. Then we’ll go with the golf courses and the hotels and casinos—and there’d totally be a church in it for you. A GREAT BIG GIGANTIC GOLDEN CATHEDRAL! Lights. Velvet. Golden everything. Like the Wizard of Oz. We would put those old decrepit European Cathedrals to shame! It’d be the TRUMP TOWER OF TEMPLES! People would eat it up. OMG! Listen, you whipped up Maria, right? You did that. This could be all part of the plan. Your plan. You could totally take credit for it. I’m fine with that. We just need to play it down for a while. Death count below 100. That kind of thing. It’s in our best interests. Believe me.

Lord, I keep hearing about Colluding with Russia, that robots swung the election, that that I got extra rides on Putin’s special pony. Look, nobody’s tougher on Russian than me. Nobody peed until I said, “Pee!” Not a single one of them. And they sure wanted to. I made them drink like gallons of Grape Gatorade, literally gallons. They were squirming all over the place. They were grabbing their own pussies! Russians with brazilians!

Then, I finally said, “Okay, now you may pee!” OMG! SUCH TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF PEE. Waterfalls of pee. Reminded me of my honeymoons.

“Wait,” I commanded. “Okay, now you may pee!” OMG! DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T WATCH THAT! God that was good. Simply stupendous. If I were in your shoes, I know how I’d be spending my days. Who needs internet porn when you can watch anyone at anytime with whoever you want! I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH ME WITH LADY DI!

Lord, you blessed our great country with tremendously immense riches. You’re really terrific. The BEST! We totally appreciate being your favorite country. We really do. You know that.  I know you do. But I have a favor to ask. It’s in your best interests too. Believe me.

Okay, here it is:

WE NEED TO MAKE JESUS MORE WHITE!

Now just listen for a second. Hear me out. So much could be done with a whiter Jesus. He needs a goddamn haircut! And the beard. Honestly. What’s up with the hippie stuff? I don’t get it.

IS HE LIKE A TEENAGER OR SOMETHING? Smoking dope with his Mexican buddies? Kneeling down with Colin Kaepernick? Come on!

CAN YOU PLEASE GET JESUS UNDER CONTROL????!!!

Can he lose the beard? Come on. You know who has beards? Muslims! At least trim it. Like Ryan Gosling or Tony Stark or something? AND A SUIT! Like a blue suit and a red tie. He’d look tremendous. Very biblical. Commanding.

Oh, I just thought of this. This is a great idea. You will love this idea.
THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!!!

What if JESUS WAS RICH?

You could do that? Right? All powerful. That’s what I heard anyway. I’m just repeating what I’ve heard. I heard you could do it if you wanted to. Think how huge that would be.

HE COULD RIDE HIS CAMEL THROUGH THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE!!
ON TELEVISION!!!  Just the advertising alone!

Then, then, he’d welcome every Republican billionaire into the GOLDEN TRUMP CATHEDRAL and PRONOUNCE THEM SAVED!!! You’d convert them like crazy.

WE’D WIN LIKE NOBODY’S EVER WON BEFORE.
We would totally rake it in. Absolute totality.

 

Lord, to sum up:

  • Keep Pence scary
  • Promise Michael Cohen some virgins
  • Zap Melania with amnesia ray
  • Destroy Mueller
  • Ignore Puerto Rico until it’s time to buy
  • Make me look tough on Russia
  • Cut Jesus’ hair and beard
  • Put him in a suit
  • Make him rich, like the richest ever
  • Have him ride a camel on TV, and save the rich

 

WE WOULD HAVE IT MADE. Okay, thank you for your time. I’m busy. I’m sure you are too. Thanks a trillion!

Amen.

 

 

 

Originally, I had a different plan for this blog. It was to be a collection of personal, literary, philosophical essays. Which will still likely happen—someday. It was taking me a while to get it off the ground. Mainly because I am out of writing-shape. There are other reasons, which I’ll get to as I continue to write this column. In the meantime, Trump is spazzing out.

Right now though, as I sit here in Milan, looking over my Facebook feed, I’m thinking, “Shit, everything’s fucking nuts over there.” But it is Facebook and of course my feed is fed by a bunch of liberal, outspoken, thoughtful, atheists—my favorite kind of humans. Looking over the Guardian, the New York Times, CNN, etc though, I’m not finding anything too very different.

Here’s my view from Italy:

1. Trump is the Real Deal

Generally, as long as I remember, the political system has used the same operating system. Sure there have been updates and the apps have changed, but the US political machine has largely traveled on the same track, with a Democrat or Republican pennant signaling the different administrations. This feels different though. This is a different OS. I feel like the Republicans have wanted to do this kind of shit for years. The large-scale immediate changes against women, against healthcare, against immigrants, against the environment, against science, against intellectuals—you know they wanted to do this but were worried about the backlash. Now they’re waiting to see what sticks to the wall and what is actually way too far. They are incredibly waffley about Trump. They want their agenda but don’t want responsibility for the repercussions. Now they’ve unleashed a force they can’t control. They will be unable to get the jinn back in the bottle (oh, wait, that mythology is likely to be banned soon).

The new scary shit: censoring the government scientists, threatening martial law, blocking immigrants, wanting to control the internet, wanting to shut journalists up—to quote one Mr. Byrne: “this ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no fooling around.”

2. Honey Badger Don’t Give a Shit

We saw this during the election, so it’s no a surprise he’s putting his foot on the gas now. Lies and Facts are the former paradigm. He knows what he wants to be true, so the plan is just to keep hammering at it.

“The honey badger doesn’t care! It’s getting stung like a thousand times. It doesn’t give a shit. It’s just hungry. It doesn’t care about being stung by bees. Nothing can stop the honey badger when it’s hungry. What a crazy fuck! Look, it’s eating larvae, that’s disgusting.”
—Randall, from The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

Fact-checking is busy work for liberals. We’re not going to change his behavior by pointing out his errors. His disregard for politics as usual is as informative as it is scary as shit.

“Before mass leaders seize the power to fit reality to their lies, their propaganda is marked by its extreme contempt for facts as such, for in their opinion fact depends entirely on the power of man who can fabricate it.” ― Hannah Arendt, The Origins of Totalitarianism

3. Trump Could Totally Lose His Shit

So what happens then? Mike Pence is probably more controllable but he’s still a crazy, right-wing Christian motherfucker. He might be better than anarchy—sure, there are people that think anarchy would be a perfect shift-into-neutral mode for this country but I absolutely do not trust the most efficient power-grabbing group—see every dystopian novel ever.

4. His cabinet is terrifying.

And white. And unqualified.

5. Even Conservative, Opportunist, Warhawk Dick Cheney has Spoken Against Trump

“I think this whole notion that somehow we can just say no more Muslims, just ban a whole religion, goes against everything we stand for and believe in. I mean, religious freedom has been a very important part of our history and where we came from,” Cheney said on a Monday appearance on the radio show. “A lot of people, my ancestors got here, because they were Puritans.” —Dick Cheney

6. Now is not the Time for the Democrats to Prance Around

It’s time to put on your pussy-hats people—actually, it’s time to put on your pussy-helmets, and sharpen those pussy ears—and get some work done. It’s time to be solid and strong and not be an unorganized bunch of wusses, over-beholden to corporate dollars. Who knows what new parties we’ll see emerge in the next couple years. The Democrats should not take anything for fucking granted. Trump won because he appealed to a white working class that had not been taken seriously for a long long time. Also, the amount of people who were not inspired enough to vote is a failure of the imagination of the Democrats.

7. Do Not Burn Out, Do Not Grow Numb

It’s only been a fucking week. Maybe he thinks we’ll burn our bulbs out after a couple months. It’s quite a pace to keep up but boy would it suck to tumble lazily into the River of Complacency. How do we keep this up until we get the job done?

8. World Citizenry

I don’t know about you but I have friends from all over the world. I have friends I have met from the University of Washington’s Human Center Design and Engineering Department, from my wife’s international work teams, from traveling, from friends of friends—from every continent. They are far more important to me than how well our governments play together. As E.M. Forster wrote: “If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” So far, Trump’s mainly signed a bunch of executive actions (although it looked like he was ordering dino-nuggets and fries from a kids’ menu) but the action going on at the airports—blocking immigrants from entering the country—is the simply first domino going over.

 

It’s not time to see what Trump will do. He’s doing it. We see it. It’s not time to compromise and work together. This is not a Bush or Reagan level threat (or if you’re conservative, it’s not an Obama or Clinton level threat). For those of us who have compared any of these people to Hitler, we were wrong about that. Hopefully, we aren’t the boy who cried “Hitler,” too many times. Because, this reads more like a coming-of-age boy-becomes-a-dictator story, than any of those previous ones.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, by all means, read your 1984, your Handmaid’s Tale, your Brave New World, your V for Vendetta, your Origins of Totalitarianism. But it’s time for us to stop filling our Facebook feeds up with See-What-He’s-Done-Now outage. I get it. I’ve done it. I did it earlier tonight.

What’s next though? We’ve tried out all sorts of forms of protest since the sixties. How do we protest in a way that gets shit done—that continues to get shit done? He has to be stopped without bringing the chaos. We are vulnerable. That’s going to get worse, probably a lot worse. It’s time to sharpen our wits people. We’re already in it deep.